For The Record

I can't sleep. It's 1:30 in the morning, so I should be tired and sleeping by now, especially because for the past 3 or 4 months all my body has wanted is sleep. So why insomnia now? Could it be the cup of coffee I had with Derek 8 hours ago? It was my first cup in months, delicious too, but I've been trying to stay off coffee. Or maybe the stress of the week to come, believe me you don't want to know, but I'm sure you'll be hearing about it at some point down the road. Perhaps the thoughts I was left with AFTER the coffee with Derek. Or was it the chocolate bar that I ate instead of dinner tonight? Either way, I'm wide awake, my body temperature is quite high, not feverishly high, I just don't feel cold, which almost never happens at night. I brought the space heater from home because my heated blanket no longer works and I always freeze at night even with my endless layers of blankets and glowing orange space heater. Wide awake, warm, thoughts swarming.
And for the record I would like to state:
My dreams and aspirations have changed many times over the years. Those who know me know that I am a terrible decision maker, and that trend continues to this day. That trend is what led me to apply to nearly every university in the state, to transfer schools, to change my major 4 times in 1 year, to take forever when shopping for clothes, which rarely happens anyway, you get the picture. Today I am a 5th year senior, 7 days and 1 semester away from graduating with a bachelor's degree in architecture from one of the best universities in the state. But I no longer find joy in Architecture. Perhaps I never did, perhaps it was what I could do with architecture that was intriguing. Learning about an old building, retelling it's story. Or building structures for those in need. I could use architecture as an avenue for adventures. I could also use public health as an avenue for adventures (another prospective career path). I could have gone to any university, pursued any major and the goal would still be the same: adventures. What brings me joy cannot be summed up in one word, or even one blog entry. The world is one big adventure and its not waiting to happen, its happening and it will continue to happen with or without me, and I don't want to miss out on any of it. Something new is an adventure, something out of the ordinary, something that only comes around once in a lifetime. Those are the things that bring me joy, living those somethings. There is just so much to do and so much to see... there is also so much to be.
Adventure isn't the only thing I want. Over the years that have made up my short life thus far, I have also grown to love and appreciate the people in my life more and more. My family are the most important people to me, ALL of them (I emphasize ALL because the definition of family that I am referring to extends beyond the household I grew up in). And my friends, ALL of my friends (childhood, highschool, college, camp...) I find joy in loving and being loved by all of them. So what I want more than anything is not to be a world famous architect, or dietician, or teacher, or musician, or *fill in the blank*... What I want is to be the best daughter, sister, grandaughter, niece, cousin, friend, girlfriend, roommate, *fill in the blank if I missed one* in the world to all these people in my life. And to SOMEDAY be a great wife and a great mom too. To love the people in my life, to experience great things, to do great things, to LOVE GOD and to LOVE PEOPLE.
Perhaps now I can sleep...